Cockerney of Errors

A Duff deflection finally relegates Newcastle United with an own goal during the last game of the 2008/09 season when all Toon fans were preying for an Owen goal at the other end. Why does it not surprise me, a Newcastle fan since I was a child, that this season's Comedy of Errors ended with such a signature? The likelihood that the season would have one more pathetic twist of the knife has been signposted for a few weeks now that is for sure. And I think pathetic is the right choice of word as it is defined as 'having a capacity to move one to either compassionate or contemptuous pity'. Though there is nothing about piercing humour there.

Mike Ashley has managed to preside over a season that has gone from bad to worse to sublime and in doing so has showcased his amazing lack of ability for owning a Premier League football club. First he brings in Dennis Wise as Director of Football, presumably somehow fooled into thinking that the taxi door kicker possesses some form of footballing acumen. Well Collocinis to that idea. Then he manages to upset Kevin Keegan by allowing Wise to buy and sell players without consulting Keegan. Whether you would go the whole way to supporting Keegan as a tactical genius is one thing, to confront him so bullishly while preferring the advice of the Wise Man is another. Few, very few, club owners would surely do that.

Ashley, again following the Wisened advice in his ear, hires a Joe Kinnear, a manager with a known heart problem to step in to a highly stressful situation. When the heart attack unsurprisingly materialises and Kinnear undergoes heart surgery, Ashley thinks it a good idea to save money by allowing the gifted coach Chris Hughton to manage. The season drifts along, Newcastle plummet. Did Ashley not know from his business dealings that a small investment up front can reap riches, on in this case, avoid a massive income cut. Your not selling trainers here Ashley, and I'm certainly not going along to where you do offload them to buy any from you now.

So, one last throw of the dice brings Shearer off the Match of the Day pundit's couch to try and save the season with eight games to go. An untried manager backed by Iain Dowie.

No sodden luck Mike. You blew it good and proper. Perhaps your business sense has never been too hot for you didn't undertake due diligence on buying the club and so didn't find out in advance the mortgage on the ground would have to be paid off immediately on a change of owner. It takes a lot of hard work to make Freddie Shepherd and his annual round of sacking the manager, look like a safe pair of hands. But you've done it. You've blown it. Two seasons and you've ruined Newcastle.

Newcastle fans also have to broaden their horizons. We have to stop looking for a Messiah and we must widen our opinions of who is suitable to manage the team. There has been too much Cockney bashing on fans' sites this and last season. Harry Redknapp was mooted as a manager after Allardyce was sacked last season but the fans howled in protest. 'No 'Arry the Cockerney!' Then Newcastle and Spurs began this season disastrously. How our fates have parted since Redknapp became the Spurs manager. Personally, I'd rather have spent the last couple of games of the season fighting for a place in Europe with a Southern manager than being relegated with a Geordie one. Our fans must end the calling for the hangmen within a few games of each season with a new manager that is not totally to our taste.

There was a time, at the dawn of the 21st Century when Chelsea and Newcastle, then managed by Bobby Robson, were regularly vying for third spot in the league behind Arsenal and Man Utd. How the two clubs' fortunes have diverged since then. One is taken over by a Russian Oligarch, wins the league and challenges for Europe. One is sold by Tweedle-dum to Tweedle-dummer who thinks changing manager once a season not often enough. Here is a plea to you Mike. Consider a return to peddling cheap trainers on the High Street or learn about football very, very quickly, coz' so far you have demonstrated you and your Managing Director Derek Llambas, are clueless n goalless.