Louis de Bernieres on Mandolin

Read my short article here -

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/books/features/observations-captain-louiss-mandolin-963908.html

From Buccanear to F'Kinnear

When Joe Kinnear held his first bleeping press conference as manager of Newcastle United. 

The first press conference perfomance by Newcastle United's latest new manager takes me back to the mid-1990s. King Kevin Keegan ruled supreme and Newcastle had such a attack-minded swashbuckling style that they became styled the Entertainers and everyone's second favourite team. Keegan put all in his buccaneering football philosophy and eventually missed out on the Premiership title by a handful of points. Joe Kinnear's surprise appointment to replace Keegan after the Messiah's second coming came to an abrupt end attracted plenty of press amazement. Joe has quickly demonstrated his attacking credentials too. This time it was the assembled journalists who were on the defensive rather than a flat-footed back four as Joe launched into a tirade of F and C words.

The ensuing media attention has made most of how many words have to be bleeped before any of his conference could be broadcast. There is an old adage I have now stopped using when thinking about Newcastle. The one that goes 'it can't get any worse.' Newcastle's stock has plunged quicker than the Dow Jones and instead of the Bank of America coming to the rescue we have someone from Nigeria who, I'm all too sure, has promised to buy the club by email in return for Ashley's bank account details. I would not put it past our lager-swilling mate of the terraces to fall for the scam after being careless enough not to check out the mortgage repayment conditions on St James's Park. How can people become so rich while being so careless?

So what next in the comedy revue that currently is Newcastle United Football Club? I shudder to think what might be round the next corner, who will be behind the next own goal and when they will be next put on the spot.